Health & Wellness
Our benefits package includes traditional health coverage plus aura cleansing sessions (via Zoom) and quarterly chakra alignment workshops to ensure peak synergistic vibrations. Co-pay applies for ectoplasm removal.
Perks & benefits
Benefits that go above, beyond and occasionally sideways.
We take care of the people who take care of our stakeholders. Every remote team member gets the full package below, subject to the terms, conditions and celestial events described within.
All benefits
Remote Work
Work from anywhere! Inside a volcano? Sure! The bottom of the ocean? Why not! Our hours flexibly adapt to your environment - just remember that lava breaks and deep-sea pressure tend to impact keyboard longevity (and yours).
Unlimited PTO
Take the time you need! A day, a week, a standard cryogenic freezing cycle... it's all good. Our main hope is that you eventually 'come back', preferably 'inspired' enough to log in at least once a quarter. Inspired to wear pants is strictly optional.
Equity
Why settle for cash when you can have potential? Every team member gets equity options - think of them as lottery tickets, but with more complicated tax forms and dramatically longer odds! You'll share in our success, assuming our definition of 'success' involves 'trying really hard' and 'existing'.
Paid Parental Leave
We cherish growing families! All new parents receive generous paid leave to bond with their little bundles of joy/chaos. Furthermore, because we are deeply committed to readiness and proactive support, expectant fathers are granted an additional two months of fully paid leave before the blessed event for intensive preparation.
401k
Plan for your vague, distant future! We offer a 'competitive' 401k matching program. The simple version: we match the first one-eighth percent (0.125%) of the second prime number percentage of your contribution, divided by the square root of your employee ID number, up to half the allowable federal limit in alternate years ending in prime numbers, contingent upon favorable sunspot activity. It's basically free money (subject to interpretation and advanced calculus)!
Equipment Reimbursement
Forget a simple 'allowance'. We issue the mandatory 'Apex Productivity Nexus™'. Expect at least 6 high-refresh-rate 32in monitors, 3 distinct camera angles (your best side, your 'thinking' side, and one pointed suspiciously at the ceiling), both wired/wireless mice, aggressively color-changing LED back lights on everything, 512GB of RAM, 4 Petabytes of local storage, and naturally, six top-tier 512GB graphics cards to render our loading animations in breathtaking detail.
Crucial Note: Under absolutely no circumstances will any hardware associated with orchard fruit be tolerated. We have standards.
Continuous Learning & Development
Grow or go... somewhere! Use your learning stipend and mandatory 'Development Time' (scheduled unpredictably) for essential courses like 'Advanced Cloud Appreciation Techniques,' 'Theoretical Quantum Coffee Making,' and 'Surviving Meetings: An Existential Approach.' Your professional growth is our baffling priority!
Benefits are only half of total rewards.
See exactly how we calculate base pay, bonuses and that all-important location factor.